Tuesday, December 31, 2013

BOWL PREDICTIONS

THE BCS IS COMING AND I HAVE OPINIONS I GUESS

January 1st, 2014

Rose Bowl Game presented by VIZIO
All hail our one and only god, the truest of all gods, VIZIO. VIZIO, producer of fine quality televisions (I think, I'm not going to research), has sold us a Rose Bowl Game presented only by them. Who is playing in this matchup?
Stanford Cardinal (Pac-12 Champions, 11-2) vs. Michigan State Spartans (Big Ten Champions, 12-1)
Well, okay, here's Stanford again in the Rose Bowl I guess even though I guess it wasn't supposed to be them this year (actually in my preseason predictions I had them in the national championship). It'll be interesting to see how two defensively strong teams play each other on one of the game's biggest stages.
Chances Michigan State wins: Pretty high. The Spartans only have one loss on their record this year. If they can stop Stanford's run game, I'd fully expect them to win.
Chances Stanford wins: Stanford's defense is good as well. Hard to say, personally, that they will pull out the victory in Pasadena, however, but I won't be surprised if they do.
What 2 Look 4: David Shaw's fucking shoulders. What a physically intimidating but also adorable man that I hope doesn't end up in the NFL coaching Washington or Cleveland or somewhere like that.
Prediction: Michigan State 17 Stanford 7

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Y'know it used to be the Sunkist Fiesta Bowl, right? I thought the Tostitos sponsorship was a no-brainer, I thought that Tostitos had always sponsored the Fiesta Bowl. I wish I could be sitting at the board meeting of Tostitos executives when one of them, hopefully out of the blue asked "Wait... There's a bowl game named The Fiesta Bowl and we make tortilla chips and tortilla chips alone..." Easily the best sponsorship of any bowl game. Well, I've stalled enough, who's playing in this matchup?
Baylor Bears (Big XII Champions, 11-1) vs University of Central Florida Knights (American Champions, 11-1)
Just reading those two team names in the Fiesta Bowl would have sent me into a fit of confusion only like 4 years ago (Sort of like the 2007 Orange Bowl would have). Honestly, though, both of these teams deserve to be playing in this game. Both are exciting offensive teams with great records (UCF was a close loss to South Carolina away from being undefeated) and it looks to be another fun game in Tempe like they have been the past few years. Also, my preseason prediction for this game was Oklahoma State vs. Oregon so I think I was a little off.
Chances UCF wins: Not too high.
Chances Baylor wins: Very high, but not as high as I would have said back before the Oklahoma State game.
What 2 Look 4: This is the first BCS game for both teams (I forgot to mention this, but the Rose Bowl is interestingly enough Michigan State's first BCS appearance as well) so look out for really excited fans who are in a strange new environment.
Prediction: Baylor 49 UCF 31

January 2nd, 2014
Allstate Sugar Bowl
There was a kid who went to my school who was all-state in basketball. He was really good and I think he's at some small school in North Carolina now. But anyway this game is played in New Orleans, site of the last Super Bowl where the lights went out, remember that? They went out for a bit. I do. Lots of funny jokes came out of that. Who's in this one?
Oklahoma Sooners (At-Large Big XII, 10-2) vs Alabama Crimson Tide (At-Large SEC, 11-1)
Oh god Alabama isn't in the national championship? Whaaaaaaaaat? Remember we were all talking about how A.J. McCarron was going to win the Heisman at one point? That would have been hilarious. Every media outlet wanted it so badly because the last three or four guys weren't boring as shit and we were staring down another interesting guy and we can't have that, we need more Gino Torretta or Chris Weinke I guess. I predicted this one to be Baylor and Louisville which was sort of accurate except it ended up in the Fiesta Bowl.
Chances Oklahoma wins: Literally zero. There does not exist a universe in which Bob Stoops wins this game on the strength of Blake Bell or whoever.
Chances Alabama wins: read above statement
What 2 Look 4: Alabama players really down on themselves because they aren't in the national championship
Prediction: Alabama 42 Oklahoma 5

January 3rd, 2014
Discover Orange Bowl
It was so much cooler back when it was FedEx and also couldn't double as a phrase. Sounds like those "Imagine Babies" games back on the Wii. What goes on in terms of personnel in this match?
Clemson Tigers (At-Large ACC, 10-2) vs Ohio State (At-Large Big Ten, 12-1)
I'd guess that this will be entertaining as well, featuring two very well rounded teams that will be fun to see playing against each other on such a large national stage. A number of great quarterback duels going on in the BCS games this year, this one between Clemson's Tajh Boyd and Ohio State's Braxton Miller. I predicted this one to be Clemson and Texas A&M, so hey, I was half right!
Chances Clemson wins: If they can get their offense into a good rhythm like they didn't against Florida State, they could win fairly easily. If they don't, well shit
Chances Ohio State wins: If they can play like they did against most of the Big Ten that wasn't Michigan State, then they'll win. If they play like they did against Michigan State, well shit
What 2 Look 4: Hopefully Urban Meyer sadly eating pizza again
Prediction: Ohio State 35 Clemson 28

January 6th, 2014
VIZIO BCS National Championship
LORD VIZIO RETURNS BUT IS NOT DONE WITH US AND HAS PRESENTED US WITH A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP THAT WE MAY INDEED WATCH ON A VIZIO TELEVISION AND NOTHING ELSE. WHO MAY WE HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF WATCHING ON OUR HIGH-DEFINITION VIZIO 3D TELEVISION?
Auburn Tigers (SEC Champions, 12-1) vs Florida State (ACC Champions, 13-0)
Oh wow, oh man, I'm actually sort of looking forward to this game. Maybe it'll be like the 2010 championship game and not be a blowout. But what would the odds of that be?
Chances Auburn wins: They've been absurdly lucky all year and I fully expect them to be just as lucky in this one. Maybe a gust of wind will pick up a late FSU field goal that could seal the game and push it wide left. Maybe after that, during a rush for a fumble, some FSU defender will accidentally kick the ball high up in the air and it will land in the waiting hands of an Auburn lineman, who will stumble into the endzone as time expires.
Chances Florida State wins:
If they play as well as they know that they can, they won't have trouble. But that's a big if.
What 2 Look 4: Someone named Jimbo possibly winning a national title
Prediction: Auburn 29, Florida State 28

Thursday, December 26, 2013

LOOK WHAT I JUST BOUGHT

So at Marshall's today I found this (and took a picture whilst wearing it)
This is the best* photo of me with it
There are a couple of reasons why this is great:
1. It's Marc Bulger, who's been out of the league for like 4 years as of 2013
2. It's a St. Louis Rams jersey, which somehow ended up in a rack amongst something like 35 Matt Cassel Chiefs jerseys in a Marshall's in Olathe, KS
3. The picture I got was had this weird thing on the back wall (but that's something that wall does with camera flashes along with the ceiling lights
4. I look terrific in this photo
5. All 4 of my lamps are present (Shaded lamp on the far right, dollar-store party lamp on the shelf on the center-right, essentially useless lava lamp barely obscured by my elbow, clip lamp underneath that)
6. You can vaguely see my Denver Nuggets 2009 NBA Finals Champions pennant on the wall
7. It's an away jersey, which is fucking hilarious to me because growing up I could never find away jerseys. I'm still upset that I lost my 2005 Kansas Jayhawks white #7 (Nick Reid, Linebacker) football jersey. That was one of the only serviceable KU jerseys that I ever had.
8. The jersey is exactly in my size
9. My thousand eye stare is beautiful
10. Didn't close the dresser drawers
11. I found this at Marshall's, which means that the Marc Bulger St. Louis Rams jersey was both not good enough for retail but too good for T.J. Maxx.

So I'll be wearing this during the MOCK NINE NEW YEARS SACRIFICE on New Year's Eve, and I can't wait. This joins the pantheon of excellent jerseys that I own, including:
Randy Moss Minnesota Vikings (second go around, 10 dollars or so at a Big Lots type store in Alexandria, Minnesota)
Scott Fujita, Kansas City Chiefs (originally my father's)
Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts (my grandfather found it from some vendor on the street in Indianapolis in the weeks leading up to super bowl XLIV)
Deion Sanders, Atlanta Falcons (PRIME TIME PRIME TIME PRIME TIME PRIME TIME)
I think that's it. Bulger takes the cake, though.

*only

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

POST SUPERSIZE ME REPORT

OKAY HERE ARE THE NOTES I TOOK:

-Starting 12 minutes in with notes
-why does he call them mac shaqs
-He does this a bunch but it must suck to be his girlfriend
-I remember when I saw this in 7th grade (last time I did) I was really disgusted by the fact that him and his girlfriend had sex but it was in health class probably a few days after preaching abstinence until marriage
-Wait mcdonalds deliver? Whoa
-The interview segments are okay I think
-I like the lady who says "it doesn't seem clean" and calls it McDo (she's french, she mentions that a bunch in the interview)
-It's good that McDonalds serves water because he would maybe die
-These eating montages are radical
-The legal parts are less than great
-Fuck you guy wearing the hat
this guy
-I just don't like his voice
-How much do I eat fast food in a week? Let's look at last week
 +I live in a place that gives me food so I rarely eat anywhere else. There are weeks where I will eat exclusively from the cafeteria or Chef Boyardee because I hate myself or whatever. Only really eat fast food when I go home which is every 2 or 3 weekends maybe? I'd say probably twice during those weekends, typically Friday night and Saturday lunch though I've done more, I'm sure. So let's say twice per week to be safe
-Mighty Kids Meals
-Oh the lawyer's a douche I didn't notice that
look at this man
 -The doctor isn't a douche though
also look at this man but in a nicer light because he seems to care about people
-Okay the part with the Nutrition professor and the size comparisons is a part that I still like. That was cool and it's a part of history that I don't know why I'm interested in (history of chains and shit)
-Oh is this when he throws up
-"The McBrick"
-YES HE'S GONNA PUKE DO IT
-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-The part with the smoker was the first time I ever heard "fuck" said in a movie
-Yelling at people for being fat and smoking is cool and you should always do it because someone's feelings don't matter
-I wonder if he actually punches his kids in the face
-ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS
 -That's my favorite thing to come from this film
-SUBWAY JARED
-WOO SUBWAY JARED
-DO YOU THINK HE PICKS UP GIRLS WITH HIS PANTS
-Kids are shit
-Jared's final solution is Subway
-Victoria do whatever the fuck you want
-Victoria's in her mid 20's
-The Baskin Robbins guy is cool
-"His ticker just got tired and stopped working" is a cool euphemism
-I like how those guys work at a place called "Health"
-YES THE MAKE IT BACON GUYS
-AT LEAST TWO TIMES TODAY
"That's Baloney"
 -THAT'S BALONEY
-THAT'S BALONEY
-THAT'S BALONEY
-"oh no big deal just chest pains"
-OH THE HOTEL ROOM PART
-YEAH THE SODA FALLS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-I love you Don Gorske
-Nine Big Macs
-I love how the people at the counter know him
-He proposed at a McDonalds
-"Artistic Genius" seems like they didn't like him

-The first grade thing is cool but yeah, kids watch TV, I'm not surprised that they know Ronald McDonald before Jesus
-"Fat on the bed"
-"more than half of all US homes still don't have internet access" Keep in mind this was 2003
-Hell yeah Dora Explorer live
-McDonald's started putting the nutrition facts on the food boxes a while later
-"Well I'm getting milk is great"
-We used SYSCO foods where I used to work but I've heard of Sodexho
-The part at this second school was what I had at my elementary school
-I think the cook lady may have started to cry at the end of the clip :(
-We "banned" unhealthy soda in my school district as well (we went from Pepsi to Diet Pepsi)
-"we don't teach physical education in schools anymore" I remember that gym classes became a big deal when I went to middle school 4 or 5 years after this film came out
-"Amount of calories in a calorie" is how I describe it
-PRE-MCGRIDDLE
-MCGRIDDLE ORIGINS
-For a while I thought ham and heroin were the same thing after watching this movie
-I didn't know what an erection or sex were when I first watched this movie (I first watched this movie when I was 10 years old) so I didn't get what she was having a problem with
-I love how Diet Coke is one of the only things on the menu without sugar
-waitOOHHHHHHHHH MY GOD I HAVE THAT SHIRT
-I would have loved it had he followed the doctor's advice and was just like "Welp, film's over. we had a good run, McDonald's.
-The Health place closed down. RIP Health
-It's easier for some to gain weight than others due to genetics, I guess
-We're just not going to watch the surgery footage
-Has anyone bought an XBOX One yet? Are they good? They seem okay
-What's the french word for blizzard?
-I'm doing French homework while watching this film
-Je ne sais pas pourquoi
-L'hopital parte a finit
-Il n'est pas en bonne santee
-Sorry about why I can't use accents for this I know I'm wrong where I'm wrong
-Il s'est reveillé (je sais cet accent, Alt+0233) au nuit.
-"tes yeux devient jaune" n'est pas une probleme typique
-The conjugation there was definitely wrong
-"NOUS SOMMES UNE PARTE DU PROBLEME"
-Upside down McDonald's flag
-RIP SHAKES
-Wait he kept going
-What did he ask the woman from McDonald's? I don't remember him saying at all. Maybe just for an interview
-MS WORD 2003
-EATING CAKE ALONE IN A MCDONALDS IS THE THING I WANT TO DO SOME DAY
-"Mac Attack"
-"Premium" is such a McDonald's word
-OVERALL RATING: well I guess it could have been better on some fronts and I think it did have an impact of some sort.

I'M GONNA DO IT

FOR WHATEVER REASON I HAVE A COPY OF SUPERSIZE ME IN MY ROOM

TODAY I AM GOING TO WATCH IT AND MAKE A REALLY DETAILED REVIEW[1]

Just look at that cover.

---
FOOTNOTES
1. Or I'm barely going to pay attention and write whatever I want

Monday, December 9, 2013

CHEF BOYARDEE UPDATE

this is it in a microwave

this is it, finished, on a mousepad
45 seconds are not enough to warm this up. It needed an extra 30, and that was the optimum temperature for consumption. "Spaghetti & Meatballs" is a very good use of the plural tense because there were exactly two meatballs. "Meat" is correct but keeping ambiguous with it was probably a good idea. As shown, I tried to eat this with a fork which was a mistake. Actually pretend I didn't say "with a fork" in that last sentence.

microwavepizzatime.blogspot.com

CHEF BOYARDEE

WHO IS READY FOR CHEF BOYARDEE

I AM APPARENTLY
christ I spent like 6 minutes fiddling with the manual focus on my stupid digital camera and this picture sucks
UPDATE COMING

I need to microwave this for 45 seconds, let it sit for 1 minute. Unfortunately, you can read the whole Wikipedia article in less time than that.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

#SPORTS THE YEAR IS 2013 IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE

Tommy Maddox looked back at his trophy case. Through his twenty years in professional football, he had accumulated a multitude of awards. He had been a first-round draft pick. An All-Star. An MVP. A champion. Eventually, he would be a first-ballot hall of famed. He surveyed the inscriptions on those trophies. 6 Pac-10 player of the week awards. Practice squad most improved, 1996. XFL MVP 2001. XFL Champion 2001. XFL MVP 2004. XFL MVP 2005. XFL Western Division Champion 2005. XFL MVP 2008. XFL Champion 2009, 2010. XFL Ambassador award, 2012 ESPYs.

They all meant so much to him. The inaugural championship in 2001, a rout of the hated San Francisco Demons. Beating Las Vegas at the last second to advance to the 2005 Million Dollar Game. Stopping a potential pick-six by all-star cornerback Darrelle Revis at the last second to win the Million-Dollar Game in '09. Defending the title in 2010 against the up-and-coming Omaha Demolition. Then, finally, retiring as the game's greatest player. On the day he retired, his number 8 jersey was retired in every stadium in the league.

What had seemed to be a gimmicky league, a combination of pro wrestling and pro football, had blossomed thanks to its legendary 2002 season. The Memphis-Vegas rivalry had evolved, becoming the most heated in the league. That year, near the end of their first meeting, Memphis' All-Star quarterback Drew Bledsoe, who left the NFL after losing his job to Tom Brady in the 2001 season, was ejected for throwing a punch at the face of Outlaws head coach Jim Criner. That year's MVP Rod "He Hate Me" Smart scored four touchdowns with over 300 yards rushing for the Outlaws.  Fights, anger, feuding continued with each continued meeting. The next meeting came in the championship that year, where Memphis got revenge.

In 2003, they were rivaling the NFL in TV Ratings. By 2004, Maddox had become the league's first real superstar. By 2005, they were rivaling the NFL for draft picks. Though underclassman running back and wide receivers Maurice Clarett and Mike Williams had found an alternative in the XFL, the first star rookie came in Oklahoma quarterback Jason White, picked by the expansion New Orleans Crusherz. He was followed in 2006 by Jon Cornish and Tamba Hali. In 2007 came Chris Leak, Calvin Johnson, Ted Ginn, Revis, Posluszny, and Patrick Willis. The floodgates opened up from there. The XFL prospered while the NFL, mired in a controversy over Rich Gannon's book on rampant steroid usage among players, quickly fell in both profitability and popularity.

The NFL is no longer what it once was. The Super Bowl, once a pillar of American decadence and celebration, became shoved to the side, currently broadcast on CBS Sports Network. The Million Dollar Game took its rightful place.

The XFL has grown from its original eight to 18 members, adding the Omaha Demolition and St. Louis Ironmen in 2004, the New Orleans Crusherz and the Portland Hemp in 2005, the Des Moines Corn, Toronto Bullets, Minnesota Knivez, and Boise Murderers in 2009, and the Long Island StallLionz and Virginia Beach Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup (sponsorships became legal in team naming due to a loophole in the rule book found that year) in 2011. Expansions to more markets, including Austin, Wichita, Tokyo, Winnipeg, and Santa Fe will take place in 2014.

Maddox has retired as the game's greatest player and ambassador. The XFL opted to set up its own Hall of Fame in Carson City, Nevada in 2009, and he will undoubtedly be the first player on the first ballot.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

TECHNOLOGY OF THE FUTURE

Clay and I were talking the other day about how we're both probably going to attend the National Order of the Arrow Conference during August 2015 in Michigan. We're sort of basically veterans of the conference scene (attended in 2009 and 2012) so we know what we're doing. It's a fun way to do anthropology on a small scale. Let's look back at the technological advancements that were developed and used each year that we have attended.

2009:
Usage of an SMS system to alert people to events
Twitter feed
Wi-Fi in rooms
Online social network (I think it's closed now)

2012:
Instagram Feed
Special Twitter hashtag
Munzee (That weird QR code thing that everyone was doing back in 2011. With a point system)
YouTube
Not allowed to bring large items into the basketball stadium

But what about 2015? There's absolutely going to be something stupid that we're all going to use. Here are my guesses:

Google Glass: Clay suggested this to me initially, and it's probably fairly likely. People think that people want to see what's going on from their face. So I expect to see quite a few Google Glasses there.
Something like Vine but better because Vine looks like it's dying: Videos of more than like 7 seconds are for the old and stupid. We'll be able to see someone pan over the entirety of the basketball stadium with their iPhone or maybe like some jokes about boy scouts or something.
Memes:
Introducing the new line of memes from me:
Douchebag Patch guy- Probably some old guy or something who won't trade patches (Patch trading is like pin trading at Disneyworld basically except with only Boy Scouts who do it) Sample text:
WANTS TO TRADE
picture of guy
ONLY WANTS HIS LODGE

HAS PATCH FROM DR. WHO
picture of guy
ISN'T EVEN A WHOVIAN

  Cool Dad - A middle aged dad lookin' guy. He's cool with everything cool. Sample text:
BRINGS LAPTOP
picture of guy
WATCHES SHERLOCK ON NETFLIX AT THE CAFETERIA

10:30 PM
picture of guy
TACO BELL RUN

Those are just two and there will be more to make you laugh out loud.
Some sort of app that lets people trade patches:
People are really serious about it and it would probably be fairly beneficial actually. I don't know how it would work, but then again, I'm not developing it.
Hoverboards:
If they exist, and then if a lot of people have them, a Boy Scouts convention is absolutely the place that I would expect to see a bunch of people using them and then probably getting them stolen
Angry Human Interaction: This will never go out of style
Friendster: YOU CAN'T KILL FRIENDSTER
Oculous Rift (or however you spell the name of that new virutal boy looking thing): I'm not sure how they'll integrate it, but where there's a will, there's a way. 
Those shoes with the toes in them: I knew a number of people with those at the last one I went to, but I assume it'll be a huge thing by then.
Something entirely different that I would never think of in 2013: If you had told me to do this back in 2009, I wouldn't have guessed that there would be so many smartphones even amongst younger kids. What's amazing about technology is the fact that it's always going to progress beyond any logical speculation.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

COLLEGE ADVENTURES

There's a restroom across the hall from where I'm sitting right now in another room. I can see it through the window. There's no gender specification so anyone can use it, and the door locks.

Anyway, I've noticed one guy in particular who has come up to open the door of the bathroom, has found it locked, and has continued on his way twice within the past 25 minutes or so. And I haven't seen anyone come in or go out of that bathroom for any of that time.

Someone's been in there for more than 25 minutes.

I HAVE ASCENDED TO A HIGHER PLANE OF EXISTENCE

I don't wanna brag or anything but I just got put into a club because the people at the coffee shop recognized me and gave it to me because of my frequency of visitation to their store.

So I'm in a cult now.

Friday, November 8, 2013

GAMEDAY UPDATE: 11/8/13: GOTTA GO FAST

I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME

BUT HERE'S THIS

BEST GAME OF 2013

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

GAMEDAY UPDATE: 11/5/13: ABOUT THAT EIGHTIES SONGS ARTICLE

So I may have glanced over a few things during that thing I wrote about my favorite 1980's music. But I have a chance now to redeem myself tonight.

Sheila E. - The Glamorous Life

I sort of forgot about how much I liked this one until I randomly heard it probably at a Vintage Stock or somewhere. I didn't recognize it at first, actually, and I had to use Shazam on my cell phone in order to figure out what song it actually was. But yes, of course, I absolutely adore this song. The beat's great, the chorus is memorable as hell.

Neneh Cherry - Buffalo Stance
Oh, shit, this song is from the '80s? I had no idea until I looked it up a couple of days ago, actually. It's from around the fringe era between the '80s and '90s, (1988) and it totally sounds that way. But my history with "Buffalo Stance" goes very far back. A local radio station used to play it periodically back around 2008-10 or so. I was always attracted to the guitar motive within the chorus, mainly. It seemed so odd to me that they decided to make such a bold transition. I never actually knew the title of the song for a really long time, just the general groove, really. I would (and this is serious, happened a couple of times in 2012) look up general "BEST 90'S DANCE SONGS" videos on YouTube, and I never had any luck. Eventually, I stumbled upon it through another song (to be honest, I think it was Technotronic's "Pump Up The Jam" actually). But yeah, somehow, I do really like this song for some reason. Probably actually my favorite pop song of the 1980's if we're keeping score. Sorry, Miss Cherry, for thinking this was another era, but what can you do?

Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen
And how could I miss this one

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

GAMEDAY UPDATE: 10/29/13

YOU GUYS YOU GUYS YOU GUYS LOOK AT THIS. That's Cyberdreams' I Have No Mouth But I Must Scream on GOG. Since Cyberdreams no longer exists, somehow the rights to that game ended up in the hands of another publisher, and it ended up on GOG.

Now, that means two things: First: I HAVE NO MOUTH AND I MUST SCREAM IS AVAILABLE TO PURCHASE GO DO THAT. But also, second: DARK SEED 1 OR 2 COULD MAYBE POSSIBLY SOMEHOW END UP ON GOG SOMEDAY SOON oh my god oh my god oh my god

I don't know exactly what that would mean to many people but it would be a great help because even on a PC running Windows XP, audio doesn't work perfectly for Dark Seed II (I can't imagine it would for the first one either.) I owe the fact that I care about this series to Retsupurae's Wrongpurae of both of the games, go watch that.

Friday, October 25, 2013

LATE NIGHT TALKIN: EVERY SUPER MARIO 64 LEVEL

Newspaper class
May 2013
~11:45 PM or so
I was basically done with what I needed to do. So, I opened up a Google Docs article and wrote this and forgot about it until today (Note - it was left unfinished and I have no intention of doing so):

A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF EVERY SUPER MARIO 64 LEVEL:
Hello and welcome to the castle surrounded by mountain-sized walls that is nearly impossible to enter unless you have adequate access to warp pipe technology. In this castle there are many rooms, none of which are for sleeping or eating or anything of the sort. No. This castle is a castle of artistic merit. Each room in this house is required to house at least one painting for some reason. Peach is weird and has too much money and rather than giving it to the poor she just got rooms for all her weird paintings. Anyway you can jump in them and go places. It’s rad as hell. But first, the amenities of the building-

Front Yard: Not much to do here. There’s a bridge and a moat. Moat has water. There’s also a very nice pond out front. The cannon is boarded up but if you’re good enough you can get into it. Do not drain the moat for there is nothing underneath. Nothing at all. ESPECIALLY not a big slide with the invisible cap near the end.

Courtyard: A fountain and a fuckton of ghosts (at least nine ghosts). All these ghosts (Boos, as they’re called) are very shy if you look at them but if not, they’ll kill you. Kill you dead. Right there, too, no mercy. None at all. These ghosts were once other things, but we don’t know what. Probably Koopa Troopas, maybe Goombas, probably actually car salespeople. RIP them. Also one of them has a level in it. Also L IS REAL 2049.

Pavillion: The main entrance room of the castle is very spacious. Toad sits there but does nothing of importance. Also there are four coins for you to have. They’re free. Take them, I promise. You can get to a few rooms from here.

Lower Hallway: One lone ghost... He or she waits. We don’t know the gender because the girl ones wear bows but we didn’t have the technology to render the bows in 1996. Run at it. It runs away. It leads you to the courtyard where its friends live. The friends are also ghosts.

Three Stained Glass Windows Room: Nothing to see here. Nope. Nothing at all. Jumping at the windows will not do anything.

Basement: Basement has been flooded I REPEAT THE BASEMENT HAS BEEN FLOODED. ALSO: The basement has been under the reign of a disgruntled golden rabbit since July. We want to get the water out but the rabbit won’t let us. Also you can dry up the moat if you hate our safety as a castle. Due to the constant running torches and the bunny as well as the water, it has been locked up but you need a giant key from throwing bowser into a bomb because of the new security measures taken in 2002.

Upper Floor: Walk quietly I guess. I don’t know why but the sign says to. Something bad will happen if you stomp I guess. Also toad has a star. But don’t ask him for the star because he also has heroin and “star” is the code word for heroin. “Amputated donkey carcass” is the code word for star. Also some of these paintings you can’t jump into.
Upperer Floor: Very up. You gotta walk up some stairs. Also the walls are the same as the painting that you can’t jump into. Somehow the stars on the wall say “IN AN ELM” according to some guy (Editor’s Note (The editor is me): This is a true fact that I read in a guide once, if you take the stars as if they were morse code they apparently say “IN AN ELM.” Bizarre.) There’s a clock and some small doors with light.

Uppest Floor: Most up. You gotta go up some more stairs. Before you don’t have any stairs unlocked you just go up forever. Up and up and up and up and up and up and up. and up. It’s very small. Not much to be interested in.

Roof: NO DINOSAURS HERE NOPE

Now for the levels. There’s a bunch of ‘em.

Bob-Omb Battlefield: Apparently this is a battlefield. Context clues that show that this is indeed a battlefield:
-Cannon: Shoots bombs of some sort. They are made of water but they hurt
-Dog: CHMOP
-More cannons: These shoot PEOPLE
-Big ass bob-omb on top of the mountain: throw ‘em.
-Floating island: a terrible destruction of all physics. Heathens.
-uh

Whomp’s Fortress: mountain
Tall as fuck. Like nothing else of note except for the height. Also walk quietly around the piranha plants so they don’t UNLEASH FURY upon your poor noisy walking soul. To shoot into the wild blue you should trust your instincts. Also there’s a big guy on top. The absolute destruction and hatred of physics continues from the battlefield here at the fortress as there are more floating islands (and cages), as well as bridges that suspend themselves in midair if you choose not to touch them. Also there is foot-high water if you hate your shoes

Jolly Roger Bay: WATER DUNGEON
EELS. Have you ever felt real, genuine fear at the age of four years old? It’s weird, right? Yeah. Fear. Actual fear. This eel is going to eat the shit out of you and you can’t do anything other than swim away. The boat’s there too and some chests that do some shocking sometimes. Also look out for the hidden aquarium in the room. All you gotta do is jump and get into it. game boy color

Cool, Cool Mountain: YUKIYAMA NSLD2
More like slides EVERYWHERE. The level itself is a slide and there’s a secret slide in a cabin. Also more like penguins EVERYWHERE because there are like four of them, which is more than most other levels. Don’t forget about wall kicks, though. They’ll work. They’ll work damn well.

Big Boo’s Haunt: TERESA OBAKE
more like scary ass piano. Fun fact - I will never get all 120 stars because I Can Not Play Through Big Boo’s Haunt.

Hazy Maze Cave: HORROR DUNGEON
Scariest other level in the game. By scariest I mean dying-iest because you’ll die a lot. There’s a bottomless pit and a very hazy cave. Also DON’T GET CLOSE TO THE MOUTH OF THE CREATURE IN THE CAVERN. It’ll eat you right up. I mean... It won’t but apparently it will. We just built it up like it’s a terrible awful creature monster that will eat you right the fuck up but actually it’s just a lovable sea thing that doesn’t eat anyone or anything. Fuck this level by the way.

Lethal Lava Land: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE DEBUG NAME FOR THIS LEVEL IS
Lava is everywhere and I don’t feel safe. Also there’s a bunch of bullies everywhere. Watch out for the dumb stupid moving puzzle floor puzzle that I hate. Inside the volcano there is a pillar and a broken pillar. These mean nothing do not pay attention to them.

Shifting Sand Land: more like shitting sand land AM I RIGHT FELLAS
Quicksand is everywhere and I don’t feel safe. Also there’s a bunch of tall cacti everywhere. Watch out for the dumb stupid moving boxes that I hate. Inside the pyramid there are hieroglyphics that spell ET. These mean nothing do not pay attention to them.

Dire, Dire Docks: I DON’T KNOW THE DEBUG NAME FOR THIS ONE EITHER
Basically Jolly Roger Bay but everyone likes it. Even though it’s like half as good as Jolly Roger Bay. The Green Album of Mario 64 Levels.

Snowman’s Land: YUKIYAMA2
Hooray for more ice worlds. The world itself needs more ice worlds, and an ice world as such gets forgotten by many. Check out that big maze thing where all the eight red coins are. Also there’s water that burns you because there is apparently an anti-god in Snowman’s Land. That anti-god is probably the big ass snowman who blows your hat off.

Wet-Dry World: POOL KAI
Wet-Dry World is a watery version of hell. The water levels can shift and there’s a little town secluded from the rest of the world. All of the inhabitants have left or died or something. Probably because they lived in a town that was completely flooded at the flip of a switch. Maybe they died from the fact that they were separated by a giant tube that their town had to be flooded in order for them to get out of. Also the enemies in Wet Dry World will kill you and throw you easily 4-5 stories just for looking at them because there is no god in Wet-Dry World. You can go to any other level, you can collect every star, you can reinhabit the little town, but that won’t ever change the fact that there is no god in Wet-Dry World. You can wring every little coin out of the environment there, even the impossible ones in the other levels, even the secret ones that you have to beat out of toad. You can kill giga-bowser. You can kill mecha-bowser. You can kill Joe Montana if you want I don’t give a fuck and neither does the fact that there is no god in Wet-Dry World.

Tall, Tall Mountain: worst level

Tiny-Huge Island: BIG WORLD
Least memorable level? It’s weird because you’d think it would be different. But some of it is huge. Other is tiny. This is not a gimmick. Trust me.

Tick Tock Clock: CLOCK TOWER
The final resting place of everyone. Make sure you enter at midnight or else it sucks. Look out because everything is clock themed and I hate my life. Also notice the fact that Nintendo made a clock world in the first mario game without a time limit.

Rainbow Ride: RAINBOW CRUISE
I fucking love this level. Goddamn maze for eight coins and the imminent death at every corner. Doesn’t get much better than that, eh?

Endless Stairs: scary ass music

Bowser in the whatever (first one):
Spinny electricity balls of death, then you get to fight bowser I guess. These levels are really what I would have preferred the game to be if I had to do it all over. More of this could have been really fun. Had this game been made recently, they could have done a more bowser levels DLC kind of thing.

Bowser in the Fire Sea:
I kinda thought this was my least favorite bowser level.

Friday, October 18, 2013

THE FIRST THING ON MY PHOTOBUCKET

 photo LameHeadPunch.gif
^IT'S THIS^

I don't know why or how it ended up on photobucket like that. I think I needed to use it as a signature on a forum at some point, but I can't remember if that's true or not, because I know that one of my first forum signatures was also THE SECOND THING ON MY PHOTOBUCKET:
   photo Furby.jpg 
People went nuts for this image if I remember correctly. at least I know I did. Cool fact- I still have that mousepad in the background there right next to me right now. It was soon followed up by the sequel to "OMG QUARTER," THE FOURTH THING ON MY PHOTOBUCKET:
   photo DOLLAH.jpg
This one didn't fare quite as well. "What's next, "OMG CREDIT CARD???" rang the voices of the people, "Where's this Furby getting all this money?" said others. My status on "rate the above person's signature!" threads dropped and I was exposed.

(That was basically me in 2008, just forum games threads and nothing else for the most part)

Friday, October 11, 2013

THE 1980's SONGS BY JOE BUSH

I've never been a particularly big fan of the 1980's when it comes to music, but there's stuff that I really like that I know I shouldn't. So let's start here

WHAT IS MY FAVORITE SONG OF THE 1980'S?
In terms of all music, there are a number of songs that could fit there. Here are a few:
Dead Milkmen -
PIXIES - Mr. Grieves
Moby - Ah Ah

I even feel a little guilty about that last one but I don't really care. I like all three of those songs. However, none of them were popular for the most part. What I'm not proud of is what I like from the popular stuff.
What I like from the popular stuff:
T'Pau - Heart and Soul
I really love this song's chorus, and I absolutely love it when the song hits it's climax at around 2:48 or so. Very emotional but still listenable as hell, and I absolutely love hearing it whenever it comes on. Barely ashamed of this one, honestly, along with the next one
THE NEXT ONE:
Nu Shooz - I Can't Wait
FIRST: My parents saw this band at the student union at the University of Kansas back in the early 1980's. They will tell you this.
SECOND: This baseline and the percussion bit throughout the song is great, that whole trumpet sample works really well, that whole thing where you take the words to the chorus and kinda mess with 'em ("b-b-baby, I-I-I can't wait") that kills me every time and they do it really well. Also that background sample that they build most of the song upon is great as well.

Tom Tom Club - Genius Of Love
So this song is also excellent. I don't know why I like it as much as I do, honestly. It's very danceable, and it doesn't have much of the sweeping emotional stuff that I like in some of the songs on this list, but I'll always stay around to listen for the whole thing whenever it comes on.

Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
I don't feel any shame about this at all actually

Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over
Haha no I actually feel quite a bit of shame for liking this. I shouldn't like it because it sorta drones and it has that kinda slow-sad synth solo, but I can't control my brain.

A-ha - Take On Me
Welp

Midnight Oil - Beds Are Burning
At some point last year this became a joke between me and a friend due to a conversation that I remember absolutely nothing about driving in my car back to his house from high school. I'm not even a huge fan of this song but it's strangely compelling and I can laugh at it and still enjoy it, right?

But honestly, seriously, my favorite popular song of the 1980's is this:
Oh god why. I wasn't born until 5 years after the '80s was over (and man, my '90s list is much worse than this) and I won't listen to anyone who tells me this is anything less than an incredibly moving work of music. There area  few songs that I specifically steer away from when driving because I have a tendency to shut my eyes really hard when crying and that's not good for driving. I can name like eight off the top of my head and this is absolutely one. I love anything that can move me like that because it's too goddamn good.

But that's it. For fun bonus points, try to guess the titles of those other seven songs.

Monday, October 7, 2013

IN THE CASE THAT I EVER JOIN ANOTHER FORUM HERE'S A LIST OF THINGS THAT I DON'T LIKE THAT MOST OTHER PEOPLE DO

This is a typical topic on most online forums and I don't want to think ever again so here's an early list of "things you don't like but most other people do"

Licorice- just not all that tasty
Super Mario Galaxy- Just wasn't a fan of the camera for the most part, thought it would be better if it stayed similar to that of SM64 and Sunshine
Basketball- Really fell out of favor with me in high school for whatever reason.
LOZ: Ocarina of Time- Don' t think it's all really that bad, but I've just never been hooked on to it. Never quite felt like returning to it after finishing a session of it.
Pants Zippers- button fly
Barbecue- Actually I like barbecue, but I can't eat it without being incredibly sick immediately afterwords so I rarely eat it
Coke Classic- syrup as hell
Going to the Zoo- I was never one of those kids who would get anything out of the zoo field trip back in elementary school. Granted I haven't been to a zoo in ~6 years and it doesn't sound like a terrible idea (actually scratch that, I went to Animal Kingdom at Walt Disney World and waited in line for like 35 minutes to do absolutely nothing if I remember correctly so I guess that counts) but I wasn't ever much of a fan of the zoo.
The Great Gatsby- Actually I sorta liked the book but why the hell are people having parties themed around Gatsby, isn't that the point of the novel that being all extravagant wasn't good and you weren't supposed to follow what he did
Ketchup on Hotdogs- again, don't know why I don't
Shrimp- I used to love shrimp but I don't anymore and I don't know why I think it's just the texture
Staying up really really late- Rather just waking up really really late isn't fun
ESPN2- Coulda been something. Coulda been something real good. But now it's just bass fishing and FirstTake or whatever
ESPN FirstTake-
St. Louis- I don't even know why, it seems like a great city but I do less and less it every time that I go there. That City Museum shit is rad though
Wichita, KS- I think that I just liked Wichita because the Wichita State University Student Union's basement had a Cruis'n Exotica machine but it broke and I guess they sold it sometime between 2007 and 2008 so there's not much of a reason for me to go back. Also I went to a Big Lots there once, never done that before or since
Root Beer Floats- I like soda and I like vanilla ice cream but they don't work together very well for me. There's this guy who lives on my floor who eats like 4 or 5 Root Beer Floats per meal at the cafeteria and I think he just does it as a conversation starter now. One time one of the people who works in the cafeteria said something to him about how he's using a lot of ice cream so he tells people that they get mad at him every time he gets 4-5 root beer floats but I doubt that they do
Slam Dunks- That's a lie
Not Chocolate Milk-
Runts-I can't

hopefully that clears some stuff up

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

OKTOBER REVENGE

FIVE YEARS IN THE MAKING
AGAIN
I
ME
JOSEPH BUSH OF joebush.blogspot.com
I SPELLS OCTOBER WITH A K

congratulations

Saturday, September 28, 2013

MEMES VERSUS JOE, JOE VERSUS A FOX

SO this evening I was walking from my car back across the lawn to my parents' house (I still technically live there and I had stuff to do so I don't feel bad about it college is dumb anyways let's just try not to use any commas here) and I noticed that there was a small mammal, about small-dog sized, standing behind my car. I thought "huh, I think that's a fox. That's weird. Hopefully it doesn't follow me."

It followed me.

So I walked. It continued to walk with me. I kept looking back at it and it met eyes with me each time. After a few seconds it began to run at me. I don't know if it was really hostile but it still increased its speed and approached me. I thought "Oh... Shit this isn't supposed to happen" Also, I should probably detail what was in my possession at that point:
-Plastic bag containing three paperback novels
-Plastic music flip-folder for marching band
-Alto Trombone (King Brand) in case.

The trombone was in pretty awful shape anyway, 8 years old by this point, so I threw it. Rather, I dropped it in the fox's general direction. I had no intention to hit the fox (and I didn't) but it was scared away.

So why does any of that matter? It probably doesn't to anyone but me and my immediate loved ones but holy shit I mean that was like the closest I ever got to death probably I COULD HAVE DIED ON MY DRIVEWAY I MEAN REALLY.
ACTUALLY THAT WOULD BE WEIRD AS HELL

But anyway, the most important thing here is that the animal in question was, indeed, a fox.
SO ENTER DAD
QUOTE: "JOE WHAT DID THIS FOX SAY?"
"uh, it just kinda ran at me it didn't say anything"
"It didn't say *string of noises*"
"uh"

Ladies and gentlemen... I had been Meme'd.
As a previous post on this great and historic blog shows, I was once a king of the meme. The memes came into light and I knew, Joe Bush fucking knew when some shit was memetic as hell and deserved to be reposted and e-mailed to my friends across this world wide web. But that was 2008. Bush was in the white house and I was 13 or something I think. It's now 2013, Obama's in the white house, I'm not even in my house anymore, I'm 18, and foxes have it out for me.

But someone brought up "What Did The Fox Say" to me earlier in the week and it had been something that I only knew by name but had never actually seen in video form and it's really exhilarating, like for those few weeks back in 2010 when I hadn't heard the Black Eyed Peas' "I gotta feeling" while everyone was talking about it.

Also legitimately when I struggled to open my door I stammered "shit, do a barrel roll I guess fox" which would have been awesome back in 2008 let me tell you.
For comparison, this was also awesome back in 2008:

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

FEBREEZE UPDATE

Febreeze, for years, has tried to sell us on the idea that it's different from other air fresheners because it doesn't cover up odors, but it actually kills odors somehow (I'd imagine through some microscopic amoeba Mortal Kombat style fighting). After intense theorizing, and scientific methoding, I'd like to state my thesis:
Febreeze is full of shit

Now, I have nothing against the smell of Febreeze, and on a nice fabric, it smells quite good, and even in typical air freshening situations, I'd gladly take some Febreeze over most other smells. However, through the scientific method-
Hypothesis: Is Febreeze full of shit and does it just cover up malodorous smells?
Test: (Inadvertent) Roommate cuts up a bunch of garlic and then sprays Febreeze all over the goddamn place
Result: Room smells of Garlic and Febreeze
Thesis: From the evidence gathered, I wholeheartedly believe that yes, Febreeze is full of shit and the product just covers the scent up.
I've pretty much figured out that Febreeze is full of shit.

Also I was the Eighth Grade Northeast Kansas Regional Science Olympiad Champion of the Scientific Method so I think I know what I'm talking about, thanks

Monday, September 23, 2013

PC GAMING UPDATE

So let's just consider something here: My PC will not play any video for MYST Masterpiece Edition (which I downloaded off of Steam). I don't know why this is and I have a hunch that I won't be able to change anything about that due to it being an app on Steam. That's a problem because the vast majority of the game's storytelling is done through video clips (that which can't be gleamed through the reading, that is)

So that's one problem that I've found with PC Gaming - old stuff sometimes doesn't work for reasons that I can't figure outAlso I just looked and the Store Page specifically indicated that it only worked on XP and Vista so all of this is my fault essentially as I'm running Windows 7.

Add "A shitty PC that I can put Windows XP on" to that list of stupid things I think I'd like to buy at some point.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

GRAND THEFT AUTO FIVE REVIEW

So there's a new Grand Theft Auto game released earlier this morning from what I understand. I couldn't wait to get home and play it after I definitely purchased it and I definitely have it for play upon my PlayStation 3. When I popped it in, I couldn't have been more pleasantly surprised! You play as a man in a yellow shirt, and you start out in the middle of a village somewhere in the middle of Italy! It's a great cold open, really gets you into the game, and throws you right into the action. The rest of the game just gets better:

This game receives a 9/10 from reputable wwebsite joebush.blogspot.com

STORY: Excellent awesome story from the beginning to the end. You move to the United States to the great city of Philadelphia (Called "Brotherly City" in this game because it really isn't Philadelphia) and then eventually to Los Angeles (called "Sand Andrews" in this game) and you gotta fight your way to the top because the world is against you. At some point, you get in some fights with some older guys and a genie, and at some other point, you end up really joining with them and really making your way to greatness before you get accused of sexual assault by the police in Colorado (called "Cool Cool Mountain" in this game) but you confirm your innocence and then return to Sand Andrews to regain your status of greatness

GRAPHICS: Excellent. People looks like people, city looks like city, dogs looks like dogs. There are dogs, did I mention. They got tails and shit its nuts

SOUND: The cars sound good and the guns go blam blam really like real guns do. Music is all Haddaway.

GAMEPLAY: Controller had too many buttons. 0/100

VIDEO GAME: It was indeed, though I don't want to place it amongst the halls of epic win like Halo 3 and Halo 2 and Super Smash Bros. Brawl. It's good

ART: vidoe games are art.. its art. like painting, you know painting, that's art, like video games also are. i been sad at games before in my life, like i was sad at movies before in my life, after I Lost To Notre Dame In The National Championship When Aaron Hernandez Of The Florida University Gators Dropped That Goddamn Pass In The Fourth Quarter On Fourth Down and I cried for a long time and I broke my controller. art

OVERALL: I give GRand Theft Auto Five a score of FIVE EPIC bACONS OUT OF FIVE HELL YEAH LOL

Monday, September 16, 2013

CHIBI-ROBO UPDATE

So my roommate keeps making fun of me for playing Chibi-Robo for the Nintendo GameCube (woohoo college) and I'm thinking Holy Shit Man I Have Been Waiting To Play This Game Since Like 2006 But I Never Really Had An Opportunity To Try It Out And It Seems Really Interesting But I Guess I Can't Because It Doesn't Satisfy You For Some Reason.

But who cares. I know I don't because Chibi-Robo is actually really good and I think you should all give it a try sometime soon if you can find it!

Monday, September 9, 2013

HAIL REESEPOD

REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS

TAKE 'EM OUT OF THE PACKAGE
THEN: SLAM 'EM
REESEPOD
WILL PROBABLY KILL YOU
ALSO DON'T EVEN TRY MAKING A SANDWICH WITH IT USING ONE OF THE FOLLOWING SUBSTANCES NO SIR-EE
Jet-Puft Marshmallow Fluff
Nutella
Peanut Butter (WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)
Chocolate Sauce (WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)
Raisins
Gummy Bears
Tears
Mayonnaise
Mayonnaise
Your blood (which, after eating, will probably be at least fairly viscous)
Ketchup
Pain
Paint
Caladryl (Clear is best)
Good graphics

Sunday, September 8, 2013

FANTASY FOOTBALL ADVICE - WEEK 1 2013

A COLLECTION OF ADVICES ABOUT HOW TO FAKE WIN YOUR FAKE FOOTBALL GAMES THIS YEAR

QUARTERBACKS:
Whatever the hell you do, don't pick a mobile quarterback like Mike Vick or Steve Young The ability to both throw and run at the same time takes points away from both categories. If you want yardage, get a pure passer like Sam Bradford or Trent Dilfer who won't run at all (seriously, in a weird Marinovichian experiment, Bradford's kneecaps were replaced at age 1 with miniature parking boots by his father for "some reason").  If you want a runner, try quarterbacks Reggie Bush of the Detroit Lions or Tim Tebow of the Obic Seagulls. Remember what happens if you pour water in mustard, it's like that if you pour running into passing. Dilution.

RUNNING BACKS:
There are three words that make with a ground game: Yards Per Carry. It's basic divison.
32 yards on 2 carries? 16 YPC
114 yards on 27 carries? 4.22222 YPC
So, how do you get higher YPC? Utilize the only play that, when it works, guarantees over ten yards:
Fake punt. This punter's average YPC now (were this clip not from a preseason game because apparently that matters)? 40 yards. The highest amongst quarterbacks is Michael Vick's 12.5 yards per carry. Highest for running backs is Jamal Charles' 5.8. Teams are only going to run like 2 or 3 fakes per season, and if at least one of them works for more than 30+ yards, you're set for a fantasy crown.

WIDE RECEIVERS: Is T.O. still going? He was really good in ESPN NFL 2K5. Pick him

TIGHT END:

thanks

DEFENSIVE LINEMEN:
Can you draft these? If you can, then  
KICKERS: JUST ANYONE

Hope this entry helps you become the best fake football player ever! I'm gonna go play some actual football, nerds. (I'm not actually going to leave my room today)