May 2013
~11:45 PM or so
I was basically done with what I needed to do. So, I opened up a Google Docs article and wrote this and forgot about it until today (Note - it was left unfinished and I have no intention of doing so):
A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF EVERY SUPER MARIO 64 LEVEL:
Hello and welcome to the castle surrounded by mountain-sized walls that is nearly impossible to enter unless you have adequate access to warp pipe technology. In this castle there are many rooms, none of which are for sleeping or eating or anything of the sort. No. This castle is a castle of artistic merit. Each room in this house is required to house at least one painting for some reason. Peach is weird and has too much money and rather than giving it to the poor she just got rooms for all her weird paintings. Anyway you can jump in them and go places. It’s rad as hell. But first, the amenities of the building-
Front Yard: Not much to do here. There’s a bridge and a moat. Moat has water. There’s also a very nice pond out front. The cannon is boarded up but if you’re good enough you can get into it. Do not drain the moat for there is nothing underneath. Nothing at all. ESPECIALLY not a big slide with the invisible cap near the end.
Courtyard: A fountain and a fuckton of ghosts (at least nine ghosts). All these ghosts (Boos, as they’re called) are very shy if you look at them but if not, they’ll kill you. Kill you dead. Right there, too, no mercy. None at all. These ghosts were once other things, but we don’t know what. Probably Koopa Troopas, maybe Goombas, probably actually car salespeople. RIP them. Also one of them has a level in it. Also L IS REAL 2049.
Pavillion: The main entrance room of the castle is very spacious. Toad sits there but does nothing of importance. Also there are four coins for you to have. They’re free. Take them, I promise. You can get to a few rooms from here.
Lower Hallway: One lone ghost... He or she waits. We don’t know the gender because the girl ones wear bows but we didn’t have the technology to render the bows in 1996. Run at it. It runs away. It leads you to the courtyard where its friends live. The friends are also ghosts.
Three Stained Glass Windows Room: Nothing to see here. Nope. Nothing at all. Jumping at the windows will not do anything.
Basement: Basement has been flooded I REPEAT THE BASEMENT HAS BEEN FLOODED. ALSO: The basement has been under the reign of a disgruntled golden rabbit since July. We want to get the water out but the rabbit won’t let us. Also you can dry up the moat if you hate our safety as a castle. Due to the constant running torches and the bunny as well as the water, it has been locked up but you need a giant key from throwing bowser into a bomb because of the new security measures taken in 2002.
Upper Floor: Walk quietly I guess. I don’t know why but the sign says to. Something bad will happen if you stomp I guess. Also toad has a star. But don’t ask him for the star because he also has heroin and “star” is the code word for heroin. “Amputated donkey carcass” is the code word for star. Also some of these paintings you can’t jump into.
Upperer Floor: Very up. You gotta walk up some stairs. Also the walls are the same as the painting that you can’t jump into. Somehow the stars on the wall say “IN AN ELM” according to some guy (Editor’s Note (The editor is me): This is a true fact that I read in a guide once, if you take the stars as if they were morse code they apparently say “IN AN ELM.” Bizarre.) There’s a clock and some small doors with light.
Uppest Floor: Most up. You gotta go up some more stairs. Before you don’t have any stairs unlocked you just go up forever. Up and up and up and up and up and up and up. and up. It’s very small. Not much to be interested in.
Roof: NO DINOSAURS HERE NOPE
Now for the levels. There’s a bunch of ‘em.
Bob-Omb Battlefield: Apparently this is a battlefield. Context clues that show that this is indeed a battlefield:
-Cannon: Shoots bombs of some sort. They are made of water but they hurt
-Dog: CHMOP
-More cannons: These shoot PEOPLE
-Big ass bob-omb on top of the mountain: throw ‘em.
-Floating island: a terrible destruction of all physics. Heathens.
-uh
Whomp’s Fortress: mountain
Tall as fuck. Like nothing else of note except for the height. Also walk quietly around the piranha plants so they don’t UNLEASH FURY upon your poor noisy walking soul. To shoot into the wild blue you should trust your instincts. Also there’s a big guy on top. The absolute destruction and hatred of physics continues from the battlefield here at the fortress as there are more floating islands (and cages), as well as bridges that suspend themselves in midair if you choose not to touch them. Also there is foot-high water if you hate your shoes
Jolly Roger Bay: WATER DUNGEON
EELS. Have you ever felt real, genuine fear at the age of four years old? It’s weird, right? Yeah. Fear. Actual fear. This eel is going to eat the shit out of you and you can’t do anything other than swim away. The boat’s there too and some chests that do some shocking sometimes. Also look out for the hidden aquarium in the room. All you gotta do is jump and get into it. game boy color
Cool, Cool Mountain: YUKIYAMA NSLD2
More like slides EVERYWHERE. The level itself is a slide and there’s a secret slide in a cabin. Also more like penguins EVERYWHERE because there are like four of them, which is more than most other levels. Don’t forget about wall kicks, though. They’ll work. They’ll work damn well.
Big Boo’s Haunt: TERESA OBAKE
more like scary ass piano. Fun fact - I will never get all 120 stars because I Can Not Play Through Big Boo’s Haunt.
Hazy Maze Cave: HORROR DUNGEON
Scariest other level in the game. By scariest I mean dying-iest because you’ll die a lot. There’s a bottomless pit and a very hazy cave. Also DON’T GET CLOSE TO THE MOUTH OF THE CREATURE IN THE CAVERN. It’ll eat you right up. I mean... It won’t but apparently it will. We just built it up like it’s a terrible awful creature monster that will eat you right the fuck up but actually it’s just a lovable sea thing that doesn’t eat anyone or anything. Fuck this level by the way.
Lethal Lava Land: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE DEBUG NAME FOR THIS LEVEL IS
Lava is everywhere and I don’t feel safe. Also there’s a bunch of bullies everywhere. Watch out for the dumb stupid moving puzzle floor puzzle that I hate. Inside the volcano there is a pillar and a broken pillar. These mean nothing do not pay attention to them.
Shifting Sand Land: more like shitting sand land AM I RIGHT FELLAS
Quicksand is everywhere and I don’t feel safe. Also there’s a bunch of tall cacti everywhere. Watch out for the dumb stupid moving boxes that I hate. Inside the pyramid there are hieroglyphics that spell ET. These mean nothing do not pay attention to them.
Dire, Dire Docks: I DON’T KNOW THE DEBUG NAME FOR THIS ONE EITHER
Basically Jolly Roger Bay but everyone likes it. Even though it’s like half as good as Jolly Roger Bay. The Green Album of Mario 64 Levels.
Snowman’s Land: YUKIYAMA2
Hooray for more ice worlds. The world itself needs more ice worlds, and an ice world as such gets forgotten by many. Check out that big maze thing where all the eight red coins are. Also there’s water that burns you because there is apparently an anti-god in Snowman’s Land. That anti-god is probably the big ass snowman who blows your hat off.
Wet-Dry World: POOL KAI
Wet-Dry World is a watery version of hell. The water levels can shift and there’s a little town secluded from the rest of the world. All of the inhabitants have left or died or something. Probably because they lived in a town that was completely flooded at the flip of a switch. Maybe they died from the fact that they were separated by a giant tube that their town had to be flooded in order for them to get out of. Also the enemies in Wet Dry World will kill you and throw you easily 4-5 stories just for looking at them because there is no god in Wet-Dry World. You can go to any other level, you can collect every star, you can reinhabit the little town, but that won’t ever change the fact that there is no god in Wet-Dry World. You can wring every little coin out of the environment there, even the impossible ones in the other levels, even the secret ones that you have to beat out of toad. You can kill giga-bowser. You can kill mecha-bowser. You can kill Joe Montana if you want I don’t give a fuck and neither does the fact that there is no god in Wet-Dry World.
Tall, Tall Mountain: worst level
Tiny-Huge Island: BIG WORLD
Least memorable level? It’s weird because you’d think it would be different. But some of it is huge. Other is tiny. This is not a gimmick. Trust me.
Tick Tock Clock: CLOCK TOWER
The final resting place of everyone. Make sure you enter at midnight or else it sucks. Look out because everything is clock themed and I hate my life. Also notice the fact that Nintendo made a clock world in the first mario game without a time limit.
Rainbow Ride: RAINBOW CRUISE
I fucking love this level. Goddamn maze for eight coins and the imminent death at every corner. Doesn’t get much better than that, eh?
Endless Stairs: scary ass music
Bowser in the whatever (first one):
Spinny electricity balls of death, then you get to fight bowser I guess. These levels are really what I would have preferred the game to be if I had to do it all over. More of this could have been really fun. Had this game been made recently, they could have done a more bowser levels DLC kind of thing.
Bowser in the Fire Sea:
I kinda thought this was my least favorite bowser level.
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