Wednesday, February 26, 2014


People keep asking me "what do you think about North Carolina's student section storming the court after they beat Duke last week?" Typically, I respond with "That happened like a week ago I think, we should probably drop it" but I feel as if College Basketball fans need to get their heads out of the clouds and realize what needs to be said about their tendencies to run on a floor when enjoying things. So I've made some rules for all of you stupid dumb college kids.

Some schools are allowed to do that but SOME ARE NOT. If your team has won a championship within the last FOURTEEN SECONDS you may NOT storm any COURTS. If you go to school at any of the following locations: San Jose STATE, UC-San Diego, WALGREENS, Clay County Community College, University of Phoenix, West EDMONTON Mall, James K. Polk Middle School, or the Waffle House off I-5 in Portland. In fact, the only school that is allowed to STORM a COURT is Seton Hall.

If there are a court in your stadium, you aren't go stormCOURTing! THE SUPREME COURT MAY NOT BE STORMED AS THERE ARE RARELY SPORTS PLAYED THERE.

STOP. Before you leave your seats and jump/run forward rather than the typical sidewards, look up at the sky. If there is a sky there, DON'T. You are hereby not at a basketball court and instead at an outside venue. This is not a courtstorming unless it is at one of those gimmicky early season outside tournaments that I assume they do somewhere.
If you see a CEILING, you should also look for BANNERS that they hang from the RAFTERS in said CEILING. If there are more than 4.333333~ for National Championships or a VAMPIRE hanging, Sit Back Down In Your Seat Right There for that is a HEALTH VIOLATION due to the losing BLOOD. (granted this rule may change if you're playing in the Castlevania Classic hosted at Dracula's castle generally inviting a mid-rate Big XII team, MAC 2nd place team, and two mid-majors)

Some may STORM a COURT but do not understand why you may NOT DO SO. A CORUT STORMING is performed when people or mammals of the sort run upon a COURT when excited from basketball game. HOWEVER sometimes a STORMING may be confused with a RUSHING or a SWARMING.

RUSHING occurs when a team is losing a game and then wins in the end because of negligence by the opposing team's physical trainers. This is rare but generally a RUSHING ends with at least three people spraining ankles. If the ankle sprain quotient is higher than six generally the term used is a FULMANDERRING.

SWARMING only happens when it has been dictated by at least four priests under the oath of the Scotch Catholic church. The only four registered SWARMINGS happened in the mid '90s by pure coincidence, three of which happened at Seton Hall and one at Canisus (there is a debate on one that happened at Northern Iowa but there is no authentic footage)

Hopefully that keeps everything in line for those of you who want to put your feet upon a floor of a gymnasium without the prerequisite being good at basketball skills.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


Okay last night I think I maybe took too many melatonins. I'm having trouble being awake this morning, and I had the strangest dream of all time last night and I'm wondering what it means. So here we are, verbatim from what I tapped into my phone at 3 AM last night, the dream that I like to refer to as "the 3 hour multi-million dollar porn parody"

ahem. 3 hour multimillion $ porn parody filled with random shit and maybe a few seconds of real porn. [At this point in the morning, I thought an idea like this would make a really funny joke some day]
 This stems from a dream I had. It was that, bu5 [sic] based based on Mario in complete CGI. I do remember it was in dream I was flown to this place in the middle of nowhere by Wonder Woman. Charlie Brooker narrated the whole thing. The BBC releases a game called "color football" [and this game, I played it, it was terrible, was based on American Football and had no NFL license. Even in my dreams, Electronic Arts still owns everything.] It's some university in California. [It was some big silver building, I nearly died flying there. I don't know why I referred to it as a university, but I assume it was called that in dream] I initially played color football on this giant ass TV, but I stopped to watch this million dollar cgi porn parody of Mario which ended with the director talking to studio heads and driving off.

I should point out that the film played out more like a Youtube Poop than anything and only the final maybe 5 seconds along with "A cure for insomnia" style clips interspersed among random other bullshit. I find the idea of calling something a porn parody but actually having it have little to nothing to do with either adult film or whatever's being parodied incredibly hilarious.

What I assume this means is that I accidentally took two melatonin pills and I'm not supposed to take two of them generally. Also I assume it means that I'll be making jokes about that idea for a long time.

Saturday, February 1, 2014


With all the events that have led up to this game or whatever on Sunday, I have tasked myself to figure out what would make the best game for SportsCenter's sake.

This would actually start tonight. What happens is Morten Andersen makes it into the hall of fame, Peyton wins the offensive MVP, and Richard Sherman wins the defensive MVP (though he plays a similar position on the same team, Earl Thomas winning the defensive MVP wouldn't make as much narrative sense because he didn't have a post-game interview). This means we can hype up the matchup between golden-boy Peyton and Richard Sherman's post-game interview. ESPN can do an interview with Luke Kuechly or Robert Mathis on the noon sportscenter and ask one of them about Sherman and what they thought about his post-game interview. Then, after that, they can bring in a panel of analysts and ask them about the hall-of-fame selections and someone like Merril Hoge (and it'll be Merril Hoge) can talk about how Morten Andersen never got hit and never "really" played football because his skillset didn't involve putting himself in the position for a concussion and involved scoring the most points of anyone on the team. But also he's a foreigner so that's funny and we can make fun of that

Russell wilson says "tails" on the coin toss real quietly and the ref asks him for clarification. Sherman screams "HE SAID TAILS STUPID" and Peyton is taken aback by the lack of Class in this toss of the coin. Also it would be great if it were a New York icon like Jay-Z or Bill Parcells tossing the coin.

The Broncos receive the kickoff, and Peyton promptly drives them down the field, connecting with Wes Welker for a touchdown (beating Sherman). Russell Wilson and the Seahawks respond with a long drive for a field goal. The Seahawks capitalize on a Montee Ball fumble and have possession at the end of the first quarter.
7-3 Brancose

The Seahawks score on a read-option run by Russell Wilson. On the following Broncos possession, Julius Thomas makes a couple of catches where he kinda boxes out the defenders and jumps to make the catch. Like a power forward would, getting a rebound. He played basketball, you know? He did. They end the drive with a touchdown from Knowshon Moreno (remember he cried that one time). At the end of the half, Russell Wilson heaves a Hail Mary pass to the endzone and it's caught at the same time by both the cornerback and receiver Golden Tate. The officials call it a touchdown, mirroring the "fail mary" from 2012 (remember that happened? They didn't have the regular referees and they said it was a touchdown not an interception. Crazy)
17-14 'Hocks

Mirroring the "Wardrobe Malfunction" of ten years ago, Bruno Mars' left testicle falls out of his pants. Roger Goodell calls Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff, inquiring about next year's show.

SNOW STARTS FALLING, PUT HARD-WORKER AND CLASS ACT PEYTON MANNING KEEPS THROWING! TOUCHDOWN! WES WELKER! Self-Proclaimed "Best Corner In the Game" Postgame Interview slips and falls on snow, is burnt by the little determined guy who could from Texas Tech who is also sponsored by an adult diaper company
17-21 Bronx

This is where things get interesting. Marshawn Lynch breaks off a long run after breaking a tackle for a touchdown. Demaryius Thomas drops a pass off of a controversially early hit by one of the Seahawks defenders, wearing 25 but I'm not sure what his name is, I think it's Mike Sherman or something, and it's intercepted by Earl Thomas who runs it back for a touchdown. Peyton makes that face he always makes when he throws an interception he doesn't agree with
Yeah that one (
Seattle's famous "12th Man" is rocking the house at the meadowlands, and they're real excited for their beloved Seahawks to finally win their first Super Bowl. However, the old dog, the old competitor, the future hall of famer, the 1998 number-one overall draft pick, the guy who lost the Heisman to Charles Woodson, the son of former quarterback Archie Manning and brother of current quarterback Eli Manning, Mr. Peyton Manning makes a legendary 82 yard drive, just like his predecessor John Hallway or whatever it was against the Browns, and throws the go-ahead touchdown with 12 seconds left to underrated but hardworking Wes Welker, who, if you didn't remember, wasn't even drafted! What a legend.

But, on the kickoff, the Seahawks run the old "Music City Miracle" play to Golden Tate, who runs with daylight down the left sideline to the Denver 35 before pitching it back to Tavaris Jackson who is in on the play for some reason, who runs it in to the endzone for a touchdown.

Seahawks win, 30-27

Erin Andrews, in an interview with Tavaris about the final play, is interrupted by Seattle Cornerback Richard Sherman, who shoves Jackson out of the way and screams the preamble to the constitution, the box-art blurb to"Kazaam," and the entirety of the Adobe Lightroom Suite End User License Agreement into the microphone, dropping "SORRY ASS," "PEYTON," "CRABTREE," "I'M GOOD LOOK AT ME IT'S ALL ME I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO PLAYS FOR THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS," "WELKER," and "SKIP BAYLESS" into random spots. Pete Carroll grins as he holds the Lombardi trophy above his head, and yells "This is for you, twelfth man!" (have you ever noticed how weird "12th" looks when you spell it out? I just did). The MVP is Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch. Fans pelt him with Skittles. (Skittles are a hard-shelled, chewy, fruit-based candy typically sold in movie theaters and gas stations. Though their "Original" is their highest selling variant, Skittles are also available in "Sour" and "Tropical" flavorings. Skittles are a favorite candy of Marshawn's).

I'm actually predicting a really good game, especially with the matchup of Denver's combination of Thomas and Decker versus Seattle's defensive backs. That's going to be fun to watch, and it'll make for an excellent showdown. In all honesty, I'm predicting a Bronco victory here, probably 28-23 or something along those lines.