FANTASY FOOTBALL ADVICE - WEEK 1 2013

A COLLECTION OF ADVICES ABOUT HOW TO FAKE WIN YOUR FAKE FOOTBALL GAMES THIS YEAR

QUARTERBACKS:
Whatever the hell you do, don't pick a mobile quarterback like Mike Vick or Steve Young.  The ability to both throw and run at the same time takes points away from both categories. If you want yardage, get a pure passer like Sam Bradford or Trent Dilfer who won't run at all (seriously, in a weird Marinovichian experiment, Bradford's kneecaps were replaced at age 1 with miniature parking boots by his father for "some reason").  If you want a runner, try quarterbacks Reggie Bush of the Detroit Lions or Tim Tebow of the Obic Seagulls. Remember what happens if you pour water in mustard, it's like that if you pour running into passing. Dilution.

RUNNING BACKS:
There are three words that make with a ground game: Yards Per Carry. It's basic divison.
32 yards on 2 carries? 16 YPC
114 yards on 27 carries? 4.22222 YPC
So, how do you get higher YPC? Utilize the only play that, when it works, guarantees over ten yards:

Fake punt. This punter's average YPC now (were this clip not from a preseason game because apparently that matters)? 40 yards. The highest amongst quarterbacks is Michael Vick's 12.5 yards per carry. Highest for running backs is Jamal Charles' 5.8. Teams are only going to run like 2 or 3 fakes per season, and if at least one of them works for more than 30+ yards, you're set for a fantasy crown.

WIDE RECEIVERS: Is T.O. still going? He was really good in ESPN NFL 2K5. Pick him

TIGHT END:

Tight ends, touchdowns in the end   zones… clearly, we love #football season! #CharminRelief
— Charmin  (@Charmin) September 5, 2013

thanks

DEFENSIVE LINEMEN:
Can you draft these? If you can, then  
KICKERS: JUST ANYONE

Hope this entry helps you become the best fake football player ever! I'm gonna go play some actual football, nerds. (I'm not actually going to leave my room today)