THE 2014 COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON IS UPON US?

Georgia State defeated Abeliene Abielene Abelene Abilene Christian last night 38-37
Way to let the damn state down already, Abilene. The state of Kansas is now 0-1 in FBS play. That will probably change to 1-1 by Saturday, then theoretically 3-1 by next Saturday (but don't sleep on SEMO State, they can pull it off)

Anyway, it's the beginning of a new season and I'm excited. I'm excited and far too optimistic, especially considering the fact that my favorite team won three games last year, finally beat another team in conference for the first time since 2010, and actually looked like it had some sort of positive momentum at points in the season. So hey, it's August 28th, and the Jayhawks are undefeated. Here's what I think is going to happen.

The Official Big XII Preview. 
Start at the top:
1. Baylor
I like to buck trends even when it seems like I shouldn't, just like Oklahoma likes to be not good when they're supposed to be good. I know Oklahoma's supposed to be the best team in the conference this year. I watched them win the Sugar Bowl last year. I had just ingested a meal from Culvers, having seen everyone else in my family be sick and swearing to my father that I wasn't sick, then slowly realized that I was sick on the way home from Culvers, then I laid down on my couch to attempt to stave off the vomiting while Oklahoma still had a chance oh my god, then around the middle of the fourth quarter, I started vomiting, went upstairs to tell my family (they were watching Anchorman) and then returned downstairs to the couch to see Oklahoma actually winning the game. It was crazy. Oklahoma didn't let everyone down for once (realize that since Texas' national championship in 2005, Oklahoma had won as many BCS bowl games as both Oklahoma State and Kansas). Anyway Baylor won a bunch last year and they're gonna do it again this year! And they get KU at home!
2. Oklahoma
See the Baylor post. I know nothing about Baylor
3. Kansas State
See, if I had any confidence in myself, I'd put Kansas State at number 2, maybe even at number 1 because they're probably going to be that good, knowing K-State and all. Not "win a national championship" good, but they finally won a bowl game last year, a first since I could understand how to multiply numbers, so they're on the right track. Initially, I was just going to write "It's Kansas State." for the whole entry but I wrote so little on Baylor which led to me writing so little about Oklahoma so I figured I needed to write something about K-State. I actually wouldn't be surprised if Bill Snyder were immortal, honestly I wouldn't be surprised if he were a deity of some sort who just happened to coach football. I wouldn't be surprised if we look back at civil war era photos some day and we see an elderly man in a purple tracksuit. I mean he looks almost the same as he did 20 years ago.
4. Oklahoma State
Their stadium smells like gunpowder, also it's walled in from all four sides, which is crazy, like you're playing in the middle of a business district, gets very loud. They have that thing with the paddles and it's cool. Also they're typically really, really good each year and I don't think they're gonna break that anytime soon. In 20 years I'm gonna write the same thing about Mike Gundy that I did about Bill Snyder in the K-State section, except it'll be like "Oh yeah, he's aged quite a bit since 20 years ago, certainly not 40 anymore" (never mention your age in any quotable instance because everyone will bring it up forever)
5. Texas Tech
Texas Tech is somehow going to beat one of the four teams ranked in front of it right here (my money's on K-State and Oklahoma), then rise up to the Top 5 in the polls, then blow it against someone at home or at Iowa State. That's Lubbock for you, best team doesn't win in Lubbock.
6. Iowa State
This is Iowa State's year to win six games on strong defense and upset somebody somehow, then maybe lose at Kansas, because it seems like it's going to be that kind of year.
7. Taxes
I don't think Charlie Strong is going to have a bad time at Texas. In fact, I think his time at Texas is going to be very successful. He's a great coach, but at such a high level program like Texas, he might have some issues. He might also not have some issues and in that case they should be up around 2 or 3.
8. TCU
I know literally nothing about TCU
9. Kansas
I can dream. Not big, but hey, I can dream. This would be the first time that KU wouldn't be at the bottom of the conference since 2010. This will likely require an away victory, which they could possibly get at Duke or at West Virginia, a couple of conference victories, which they could get against Iowa State or TCU or even Texas? (My friend Alden agrees with me on this, it's Charlie Strong's first game in the Big XII and it could be upset territory) (Also that will be the first game I have seen featuring two coaches named Charlie). Is four wins a possibility? Five? I think that KU can get six wins without shocking the world. I certainly hope so! Please!
10. West Virginia
I don't know how they ended up so low. Sorry Joel :/

I don't even know if this is how I actually think about anything anymore, I'd love to think it'll be different this year and the 4-team playoff is Baylor, UCLA, LSU, and Michigan State, but I know for a fact we're going to end up with the most boring thing ever, probably Alabama, Florida State, Ohio State, and Oklahoma. Stay tuned for the NFL preview. (There will not be an NFL preview)

A GUIDE FOR THOSE LOOKING TO STORM A COURT

People keep asking me "what do you think about North Carolina's student section storming the court after they beat Duke last week?" Typically, I respond with "That happened like a week ago I think, we should probably drop it" but I feel as if College Basketball fans need to get their heads out of the clouds and realize what needs to be said about their tendencies to run on a floor when enjoying things. So I've made some rules for all of you stupid dumb college kids.

1. THERE ARE SOME PLACES WHERE YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO STORM A COURT
Some schools are allowed to do that but SOME ARE NOT. If your team has won a championship within the last FOURTEEN SECONDS you may NOT storm any COURTS. If you go to school at any of the following locations: San Jose STATE, UC-San Diego, WALGREENS, Clay County Community College, University of Phoenix, West EDMONTON Mall, James K. Polk Middle School, or the Waffle House off I-5 in Portland. In fact, the only school that is allowed to STORM a COURT is Seton Hall.

2. WHAT IS DEFINED AS A COURT STORMING
If there are a court in your stadium, you aren't go stormCOURTing! THE SUPREME COURT MAY NOT BE STORMED AS THERE ARE RARELY SPORTS PLAYED THERE.

3. HOW TO TELL IF YOU MAY STORM A COURT
STOP. Before you leave your seats and jump/run forward rather than the typical sidewards, look up at the sky. If there is a sky there, DON'T. You are hereby not at a basketball court and instead at an outside venue. This is not a courtstorming unless it is at one of those gimmicky early season outside tournaments that I assume they do somewhere.
If you see a CEILING, you should also look for BANNERS that they hang from the RAFTERS in said CEILING. If there are more than 4.333333~ for National Championships or a VAMPIRE hanging, Sit Back Down In Your Seat Right There for that is a HEALTH VIOLATION due to the losing BLOOD. (granted this rule may change if you're playing in the Castlevania Classic hosted at Dracula's castle generally inviting a mid-rate Big XII team, MAC 2nd place team, and two mid-majors)

4. DICTION
Some may STORM a COURT but do not understand why you may NOT DO SO. A CORUT STORMING is performed when people or mammals of the sort run upon a COURT when excited from basketball game. HOWEVER sometimes a STORMING may be confused with a RUSHING or a SWARMING.

RUSHING occurs when a team is losing a game and then wins in the end because of negligence by the opposing team's physical trainers. This is rare but generally a RUSHING ends with at least three people spraining ankles. If the ankle sprain quotient is higher than six generally the term used is a FULMANDERRING.

SWARMING only happens when it has been dictated by at least four priests under the oath of the Scotch Catholic church. The only four registered SWARMINGS happened in the mid '90s by pure coincidence, three of which happened at Seton Hall and one at Canisus (there is a debate on one that happened at Northern Iowa but there is no authentic footage)

Hopefully that keeps everything in line for those of you who want to put your feet upon a floor of a gymnasium without the prerequisite being good at basketball skills.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY DREAMS

Okay last night I think I maybe took too many melatonins. I'm having trouble being awake this morning, and I had the strangest dream of all time last night and I'm wondering what it means. So here we are, verbatim from what I tapped into my phone at 3 AM last night, the dream that I like to refer to as "the 3 hour multi-million dollar porn parody"

ahem. 3 hour multimillion $ porn parody filled with random shit and maybe a few seconds of real porn. [At this point in the morning, I thought an idea like this would make a really funny joke some day]
 This stems from a dream I had. It was that, bu5 [sic] based based on Mario in complete CGI. I do remember it was in dream I was flown to this place in the middle of nowhere by Wonder Woman. Charlie Brooker narrated the whole thing. The BBC releases a game called "color football" [and this game, I played it, it was terrible, was based on American Football and had no NFL license. Even in my dreams, Electronic Arts still owns everything.] It's some university in California. [It was some big silver building, I nearly died flying there. I don't know why I referred to it as a university, but I assume it was called that in dream] I initially played color football on this giant ass TV, but I stopped to watch this million dollar cgi porn parody of Mario which ended with the director talking to studio heads and driving off.

I should point out that the film played out more like a Youtube Poop than anything and only the final maybe 5 seconds along with "A cure for insomnia" style clips interspersed among random other bullshit. I find the idea of calling something a porn parody but actually having it have little to nothing to do with either adult film or whatever's being parodied incredibly hilarious.

What I assume this means is that I accidentally took two melatonin pills and I'm not supposed to take two of them generally. Also I assume it means that I'll be making jokes about that idea for a long time.

ESPN PRESENTS: SUPERB OWL FOURTY EIGHT

With all the events that have led up to this game or whatever on Sunday, I have tasked myself to figure out what would make the best game for SportsCenter's sake.

PREGAME:

This would actually start tonight. What happens is Morten Andersen makes it into the hall of fame, Peyton wins the offensive MVP, and Richard Sherman wins the defensive MVP (though he plays a similar position on the same team, Earl Thomas winning the defensive MVP wouldn't make as much narrative sense because he didn't have a post-game interview). This means we can hype up the matchup between golden-boy Peyton and Richard Sherman's post-game interview. ESPN can do an interview with Luke Kuechly or Robert Mathis on the noon sportscenter and ask one of them about Sherman and what they thought about his post-game interview. Then, after that, they can bring in a panel of analysts and ask them about the hall-of-fame selections and someone like Merril Hoge (and it'll be Merril Hoge) can talk about how Morten Andersen never got hit and never "really" played football because his skillset didn't involve putting himself in the position for a concussion and involved scoring the most points of anyone on the team. But also he's a foreigner so that's funny and we can make fun of that

COIN TOSS:

Russell wilson says "tails" on the coin toss real quietly and the ref asks him for clarification. Sherman screams "HE SAID TAILS STUPID" and Peyton is taken aback by the lack of Class in this toss of the coin. Also it would be great if it were a New York icon like Jay-Z or Bill Parcells tossing the coin.

FIRST QUARTER:

The Broncos receive the kickoff, and Peyton promptly drives them down the field, connecting with Wes Welker for a touchdown (beating Sherman). Russell Wilson and the Seahawks respond with a long drive for a field goal. The Seahawks capitalize on a Montee Ball fumble and have possession at the end of the first quarter.

7-3 Brancose

SECOND QUARTER:

The Seahawks score on a read-option run by Russell Wilson. On the following Broncos possession, Julius Thomas makes a couple of catches where he kinda boxes out the defenders and jumps to make the catch. Like a power forward would, getting a rebound. He played basketball, you know? He did. They end the drive with a touchdown from Knowshon Moreno (remember he cried that one time). At the end of the half, Russell Wilson heaves a Hail Mary pass to the endzone and it's caught at the same time by both the cornerback and receiver Golden Tate. The officials call it a touchdown, mirroring the "fail mary" from 2012 (remember that happened? They didn't have the regular referees and they said it was a touchdown not an interception. Crazy)

17-14 'Hocks

HALFTIME:

Mirroring the "Wardrobe Malfunction" of ten years ago, Bruno Mars' left testicle falls out of his pants. Roger Goodell calls Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff, inquiring about next year's show.

THIRD QUARTER:

SNOW STARTS FALLING, PUT HARD-WORKER AND CLASS ACT PEYTON MANNING KEEPS THROWING! TOUCHDOWN! WES WELKER! Self-Proclaimed "Best Corner In the Game" Postgame Interview slips and falls on snow, is burnt by the little determined guy who could from Texas Tech who is also sponsored by an adult diaper company

17-21 Bronx

FOURTH QUARTER:

This is where things get interesting. Marshawn Lynch breaks off a long run after breaking a tackle for a touchdown. Demaryius Thomas drops a pass off of a controversially early hit by one of the Seahawks defenders, wearing 25 but I'm not sure what his name is, I think it's Mike Sherman or something, and it's intercepted by Earl Thomas who runs it back for a touchdown. Peyton makes that face he always makes when he throws an interception he doesn't agree with

Yeah that one (ESPN.com)

Seattle's famous "12th Man" is rocking the house at the meadowlands, and they're real excited for their beloved Seahawks to finally win their first Super Bowl. However, the old dog, the old competitor, the future hall of famer, the 1998 number-one overall draft pick, the guy who lost the Heisman to Charles Woodson, the son of former quarterback Archie Manning and brother of current quarterback Eli Manning, Mr. Peyton Manning makes a legendary 82 yard drive, just like his predecessor John Hallway or whatever it was against the Browns, and throws the go-ahead touchdown with 12 seconds left to underrated but hardworking Wes Welker, who, if you didn't remember, wasn't even drafted! What a legend.

But, on the kickoff, the Seahawks run the old "Music City Miracle" play to Golden Tate, who runs with daylight down the left sideline to the Denver 35 before pitching it back to Tavaris Jackson who is in on the play for some reason, who runs it in to the endzone for a touchdown.

Seahawks win, 30-27

POSTGAME:

Erin Andrews, in an interview with Tavaris about the final play, is interrupted by Seattle Cornerback Richard Sherman, who shoves Jackson out of the way and screams the preamble to the constitution, the box-art blurb to"Kazaam," and the entirety of the Adobe Lightroom Suite End User License Agreement into the microphone, dropping "SORRY ASS," "PEYTON," "CRABTREE," "I'M GOOD LOOK AT ME IT'S ALL ME I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO PLAYS FOR THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS," "WELKER," and "SKIP BAYLESS" into random spots. Pete Carroll grins as he holds the Lombardi trophy above his head, and yells "This is for you, twelfth man!" (have you ever noticed how weird "12th" looks when you spell it out? I just did). The MVP is Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch. Fans pelt him with Skittles. (Skittles are a hard-shelled, chewy, fruit-based candy typically sold in movie theaters and gas stations. Though their "Original" is their highest selling variant, Skittles are also available in "Sour" and "Tropical" flavorings. Skittles are a favorite candy of Marshawn's).

OKAY BUT REALLY:

I'm actually predicting a really good game, especially with the matchup of Denver's combination of Thomas and Decker versus Seattle's defensive backs. That's going to be fun to watch, and it'll make for an excellent showdown. In all honesty, I'm predicting a Bronco victory here, probably 28-23 or something along those lines.

BOWL PREDICTIONS

THE BCS IS COMING AND I HAVE OPINIONS I GUESS

January 1st, 2014

Rose Bowl Game presented by VIZIO
All hail our one and only god, the truest of all gods, VIZIO. VIZIO, producer of fine quality televisions (I think, I'm not going to research), has sold us a Rose Bowl Game presented only by them. Who is playing in this matchup?
Stanford Cardinal (Pac-12 Champions, 11-2) vs. Michigan State Spartans (Big Ten Champions, 12-1)
Well, okay, here's Stanford again in the Rose Bowl I guess even though I guess it wasn't supposed to be them this year (actually in my preseason predictions I had them in the national championship). It'll be interesting to see how two defensively strong teams play each other on one of the game's biggest stages.
Chances Michigan State wins: Pretty high. The Spartans only have one loss on their record this year. If they can stop Stanford's run game, I'd fully expect them to win.
Chances Stanford wins: Stanford's defense is good as well. Hard to say, personally, that they will pull out the victory in Pasadena, however, but I won't be surprised if they do.
What 2 Look 4: David Shaw's fucking shoulders. What a physically intimidating but also adorable man that I hope doesn't end up in the NFL coaching Washington or Cleveland or somewhere like that.
Prediction: Michigan State 17 Stanford 7

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Y'know it used to be the Sunkist Fiesta Bowl, right? I thought the Tostitos sponsorship was a no-brainer, I thought that Tostitos had always sponsored the Fiesta Bowl. I wish I could be sitting at the board meeting of Tostitos executives when one of them, hopefully out of the blue asked "Wait... There's a bowl game named The Fiesta Bowl and we make tortilla chips and tortilla chips alone..." Easily the best sponsorship of any bowl game. Well, I've stalled enough, who's playing in this matchup?
Baylor Bears (Big XII Champions, 11-1) vs University of Central Florida Knights (American Champions, 11-1)
Just reading those two team names in the Fiesta Bowl would have sent me into a fit of confusion only like 4 years ago (Sort of like the 2007 Orange Bowl would have). Honestly, though, both of these teams deserve to be playing in this game. Both are exciting offensive teams with great records (UCF was a close loss to South Carolina away from being undefeated) and it looks to be another fun game in Tempe like they have been the past few years. Also, my preseason prediction for this game was Oklahoma State vs. Oregon so I think I was a little off.
Chances UCF wins: Not too high.
Chances Baylor wins: Very high, but not as high as I would have said back before the Oklahoma State game.
What 2 Look 4: This is the first BCS game for both teams (I forgot to mention this, but the Rose Bowl is interestingly enough Michigan State's first BCS appearance as well) so look out for really excited fans who are in a strange new environment.
Prediction: Baylor 49 UCF 31

January 2nd, 2014
Allstate Sugar Bowl
There was a kid who went to my school who was all-state in basketball. He was really good and I think he's at some small school in North Carolina now. But anyway this game is played in New Orleans, site of the last Super Bowl where the lights went out, remember that? They went out for a bit. I do. Lots of funny jokes came out of that. Who's in this one?
Oklahoma Sooners (At-Large Big XII, 10-2) vs Alabama Crimson Tide (At-Large SEC, 11-1)
Oh god Alabama isn't in the national championship? Whaaaaaaaaat? Remember we were all talking about how A.J. McCarron was going to win the Heisman at one point? That would have been hilarious. Every media outlet wanted it so badly because the last three or four guys weren't boring as shit and we were staring down another interesting guy and we can't have that, we need more Gino Torretta or Chris Weinke I guess. I predicted this one to be Baylor and Louisville which was sort of accurate except it ended up in the Fiesta Bowl.
Chances Oklahoma wins: Literally zero. There does not exist a universe in which Bob Stoops wins this game on the strength of Blake Bell or whoever.
Chances Alabama wins: read above statement
What 2 Look 4: Alabama players really down on themselves because they aren't in the national championship
Prediction: Alabama 42 Oklahoma 5

January 3rd, 2014
Discover Orange Bowl
It was so much cooler back when it was FedEx and also couldn't double as a phrase. Sounds like those "Imagine Babies" games back on the Wii. What goes on in terms of personnel in this match?
Clemson Tigers (At-Large ACC, 10-2) vs Ohio State (At-Large Big Ten, 12-1)
I'd guess that this will be entertaining as well, featuring two very well rounded teams that will be fun to see playing against each other on such a large national stage. A number of great quarterback duels going on in the BCS games this year, this one between Clemson's Tajh Boyd and Ohio State's Braxton Miller. I predicted this one to be Clemson and Texas A&M, so hey, I was half right!
Chances Clemson wins: If they can get their offense into a good rhythm like they didn't against Florida State, they could win fairly easily. If they don't, well shit
Chances Ohio State wins: If they can play like they did against most of the Big Ten that wasn't Michigan State, then they'll win. If they play like they did against Michigan State, well shit
What 2 Look 4: Hopefully Urban Meyer sadly eating pizza again
Prediction: Ohio State 35 Clemson 28

January 6th, 2014
VIZIO BCS National Championship
LORD VIZIO RETURNS BUT IS NOT DONE WITH US AND HAS PRESENTED US WITH A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP THAT WE MAY INDEED WATCH ON A VIZIO TELEVISION AND NOTHING ELSE. WHO MAY WE HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF WATCHING ON OUR HIGH-DEFINITION VIZIO 3D TELEVISION?
Auburn Tigers (SEC Champions, 12-1) vs Florida State (ACC Champions, 13-0)
Oh wow, oh man, I'm actually sort of looking forward to this game. Maybe it'll be like the 2010 championship game and not be a blowout. But what would the odds of that be?
Chances Auburn wins: They've been absurdly lucky all year and I fully expect them to be just as lucky in this one. Maybe a gust of wind will pick up a late FSU field goal that could seal the game and push it wide left. Maybe after that, during a rush for a fumble, some FSU defender will accidentally kick the ball high up in the air and it will land in the waiting hands of an Auburn lineman, who will stumble into the endzone as time expires.
Chances Florida State wins:
If they play as well as they know that they can, they won't have trouble. But that's a big if.
What 2 Look 4: Someone named Jimbo possibly winning a national title
Prediction: Auburn 29, Florida State 28

LOOK WHAT I JUST BOUGHT

So at Marshall's today I found this (and took a picture whilst wearing it)

This is the best* photo of me with it

There are a couple of reasons why this is great:
1. It's Marc Bulger, who's been out of the league for like 4 years as of 2013
2. It's a St. Louis Rams jersey, which somehow ended up in a rack amongst something like 35 Matt Cassel Chiefs jerseys in a Marshall's in Olathe, KS
3. The picture I got was had this weird thing on the back wall (but that's something that wall does with camera flashes along with the ceiling lights
4. I look terrific in this photo
5. All 4 of my lamps are present (Shaded lamp on the far right, dollar-store party lamp on the shelf on the center-right, essentially useless lava lamp barely obscured by my elbow, clip lamp underneath that)
6. You can vaguely see my Denver Nuggets 2009 NBA Finals Champions pennant on the wall
7. It's an away jersey, which is fucking hilarious to me because growing up I could never find away jerseys. I'm still upset that I lost my 2005 Kansas Jayhawks white #7 (Nick Reid, Linebacker) football jersey. That was one of the only serviceable KU jerseys that I ever had.
8. The jersey is exactly in my size
9. My thousand eye stare is beautiful
10. Didn't close the dresser drawers
11. I found this at Marshall's, which means that the Marc Bulger St. Louis Rams jersey was both not good enough for retail but too good for T.J. Maxx.

So I'll be wearing this during the MOCK NINE NEW YEARS SACRIFICE on New Year's Eve, and I can't wait. This joins the pantheon of excellent jerseys that I own, including:
Randy Moss Minnesota Vikings (second go around, 10 dollars or so at a Big Lots type store in Alexandria, Minnesota)
Scott Fujita, Kansas City Chiefs (originally my father's)
Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts (my grandfather found it from some vendor on the street in Indianapolis in the weeks leading up to super bowl XLIV)
Deion Sanders, Atlanta Falcons (PRIME TIME PRIME TIME PRIME TIME PRIME TIME)
I think that's it. Bulger takes the cake, though.

*only

POST SUPERSIZE ME REPORT

OKAY HERE ARE THE NOTES I TOOK:

-Starting 12 minutes in with notes
-why does he call them mac shaqs
-He does this a bunch but it must suck to be his girlfriend
-I remember when I saw this in 7th grade (last time I did) I was really disgusted by the fact that him and his girlfriend had sex but it was in health class probably a few days after preaching abstinence until marriage
-Wait mcdonalds deliver? Whoa
-The interview segments are okay I think
-I like the lady who says "it doesn't seem clean" and calls it McDo (she's french, she mentions that a bunch in the interview)
-It's good that McDonalds serves water because he would maybe die
-These eating montages are radical
-The legal parts are less than great
-Fuck you guy wearing the hat

this guy

-I just don't like his voice
-How much do I eat fast food in a week? Let's look at last week
 +I live in a place that gives me food so I rarely eat anywhere else. There are weeks where I will eat exclusively from the cafeteria or Chef Boyardee because I hate myself or whatever. Only really eat fast food when I go home which is every 2 or 3 weekends maybe? I'd say probably twice during those weekends, typically Friday night and Saturday lunch though I've done more, I'm sure. So let's say twice per week to be safe
-Mighty Kids Meals
-Oh the lawyer's a douche I didn't notice that

look at this man

 -The doctor isn't a douche though

also look at this man but in a nicer light because he seems to care about people

-Okay the part with the Nutrition professor and the size comparisons is a part that I still like. That was cool and it's a part of history that I don't know why I'm interested in (history of chains and shit)
-Oh is this when he throws up
-"The McBrick"
-YES HE'S GONNA PUKE DO IT
-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-The part with the smoker was the first time I ever heard "fuck" said in a movie
-Yelling at people for being fat and smoking is cool and you should always do it because someone's feelings don't matter
-I wonder if he actually punches his kids in the face
-ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS
 -That's my favorite thing to come from this film
-SUBWAY JARED
-WOO SUBWAY JARED
-DO YOU THINK HE PICKS UP GIRLS WITH HIS PANTS
-Kids are shit
-Jared's final solution is Subway
-Victoria do whatever the fuck you want
-Victoria's in her mid 20's
-The Baskin Robbins guy is cool
-"His ticker just got tired and stopped working" is a cool euphemism
-I like how those guys work at a place called "Health"
-YES THE MAKE IT BACON GUYS
-AT LEAST TWO TIMES TODAY

"That's Baloney"

 -THAT'S BALONEY
-THAT'S BALONEY
-THAT'S BALONEY
-"oh no big deal just chest pains"
-OH THE HOTEL ROOM PART
-YEAH THE SODA FALLS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-I love you Don Gorske
-Nine Big Macs
-I love how the people at the counter know him
-He proposed at a McDonalds
-"Artistic Genius" seems like they didn't like him

-The first grade thing is cool but yeah, kids watch TV, I'm not surprised that they know Ronald McDonald before Jesus
-"Fat on the bed"
-"more than half of all US homes still don't have internet access" Keep in mind this was 2003
-Hell yeah Dora Explorer live
-McDonald's started putting the nutrition facts on the food boxes a while later
-"Well I'm getting milk is great"
-We used SYSCO foods where I used to work but I've heard of Sodexho
-The part at this second school was what I had at my elementary school
-I think the cook lady may have started to cry at the end of the clip :(
-We "banned" unhealthy soda in my school district as well (we went from Pepsi to Diet Pepsi)
-"we don't teach physical education in schools anymore" I remember that gym classes became a big deal when I went to middle school 4 or 5 years after this film came out
-"Amount of calories in a calorie" is how I describe it
-PRE-MCGRIDDLE
-MCGRIDDLE ORIGINS
-For a while I thought ham and heroin were the same thing after watching this movie
-I didn't know what an erection or sex were when I first watched this movie (I first watched this movie when I was 10 years old) so I didn't get what she was having a problem with
-I love how Diet Coke is one of the only things on the menu without sugar
-waitOOHHHHHHHHH MY GOD I HAVE THAT SHIRT
-I would have loved it had he followed the doctor's advice and was just like "Welp, film's over. we had a good run, McDonald's.
-The Health place closed down. RIP Health
-It's easier for some to gain weight than others due to genetics, I guess
-We're just not going to watch the surgery footage
-Has anyone bought an XBOX One yet? Are they good? They seem okay
-What's the french word for blizzard?
-I'm doing French homework while watching this film
-Je ne sais pas pourquoi
-L'hopital parte a finit
-Il n'est pas en bonne santee
-Sorry about why I can't use accents for this I know I'm wrong where I'm wrong
-Il s'est reveillé (je sais cet accent, Alt+0233) au nuit.
-"tes yeux devient jaune" n'est pas une probleme typique
-The conjugation there was definitely wrong
-"NOUS SOMMES UNE PARTE DU PROBLEME"
-Upside down McDonald's flag
-RIP SHAKES
-Wait he kept going
-What did he ask the woman from McDonald's? I don't remember him saying at all. Maybe just for an interview
-MS WORD 2003
-EATING CAKE ALONE IN A MCDONALDS IS THE THING I WANT TO DO SOME DAY
-"Mac Attack"
-"Premium" is such a McDonald's word
-OVERALL RATING: well I guess it could have been better on some fronts and I think it did have an impact of some sort.